Eating the lotus

big memory pocket
so...now that im back it feels like i never left...so that leaves a three week gap in both my social and pop-culture memory. but since i was never too good at keeping track of things in the first place it doesnt matter all that much.

I managed to make it on the earlier flight that everyone else was on so I arrived four, get that FOUR hours earlier than expected.

Jeff's goatee made him look like Evil Jeff from an alternate reality. he shaved it off.

got back and felt fine, no jet lag, just excited and a teeny bit overwhelmed by all the elbows.

and then Jeff's battery died and then his grandmother followed shortly after.

we smoked and went to the beach and my angel Dagmar and I went swimming. so much fun. except when i had to put my jeans back on and they were full of sand. and then I went into Myle's perfectly clean house and was the biggest ass in the world because all this sand fell off my feet....anyone else and I wouldn't of even cared but MYLES NYE is the cleanest human being on the planet. but we watched Mike and Ben and all was well.

hrmm what else happened...no memory...transmission interupted.

Oh yeah so the next day...umm I dont really remember after all I guess. Oh yeah. I hung out with katie and spent four hours getting my hair cut. First time being in a real girly salon and sitting under a hair dryer and crap. Then we bought make-up. Cause were fags.

Yesterday spent the day with Jeff, though I dont really remember what we actually "did." Oh yeah. Lunch with his sister and shopping for a costume for her show (shes an opera singer, and just knowing someone like that makes me feel all grown up inside). Drank first cup of real coffee since leaving. Went to Comedy Sportz and the ref was a tool.

Gonna get my shit together today...do some laundry....start some projects...I've already taken a shower and brushed my teeth and its only 10. Man I am so mature.

damn
so im still in Israel...finally made it to a computer...Ill be back in two days but I think my phone dissapeared in the move.

its been nuts. i cant wait to get home. im so sick of orthodox jews and weird food and not speaking the dominant language. Im tired too. and dirty.

but all in all its been amazing. Ive met so many amazing people here and learned so much and seen so much. Too much to write it all down in a livejournal. love and see you all very soon.

gone
so gone my friends...three weeks starting tomorrow.

done with graduation and such...my family ditched me after the ceremony and I wandered aimlessly looking for them. probably the sad-prettiest twenty minutes of my life. luckily jeff escaped their clutches to come rescue me.

the party was wonderful...my mom kicks ass when shes not all hopped up on coffee.

im excited, and nervous and sad but thats ok cause usually when i look forward to things too much they suck.

i'm way overpacked and supermuch un-prepared but I've got a new dye-job and some cargo shorts and a spanish wine bota so here I come ISRAEL!

happy good sunshine times
feel so much better. soo much better.

two papers done. finished the reading for both my finals and got one show done without screwing up any of my lines or falling. though i did miss a cue and had to run in heals.

i can't wait for summer. I cant wait to see katie and hug her and catch up on all her buisness. Getting excited about Israel, Im gonna keep a journal and try and write down everything that happens. Ive never been one of those organized people that records stuff and I guess if you want to be a writer you should probably write, i mean, that makes sense.

rented Generations and Nemesis and am in the process of watching them. realized I am the biggest nerd ever when I diagnosed the warp core problem as a 'coolant leak' just by hearing the sound the gas explosion made. Jeff proceeded to hug me and tell me I was his soulmate.

cause we're both such friggin nerds.

man i feel so much better.

comatose
last night i took a nap.

I just woke up. I slept for 14+ hours.

i had the most insane dreams, people I knew from highschool showed up and it was like we were really catching up, my parents were there, old teachers, I was in houses my old middle school friends used to live in...it was like the present didn't exist.

i woke up this morning completely confused. i didnt recognize this place. i didnt know what year it was. I couldnt understand whose house I was in. walking around this morning after a little cold water on the face it still seems like something is off....like Ive lept forward unexpectedly through time and am sitting in my future selves apartment.

I think Im having a nervous breakdown.

or I've travelled through a time warp just in time for finals.

fuck that Id rather have the breakdown.

reading my last two entries i sound pretty fucking manic depressive. sad sad sad there is no consistency in this place.

what is this?
what is this thing that Ive become?
who am I anymore? and was I ever anything from the start?
when did I grow seperate and strange?

when do I stop feeling like the only thing that sees? the only thing that sees through everything to the pure root of nothing that all is centered around?

i can never not be alone. in the end I am always alone. i hear people talking around me and its like Ive been dropped into the empty flacid pages of a bad novel. I am the only three dimensional thing. and when everything is truly gone and I've reached the last page I stand there in blank whiteness wondering where everyone went because the noise keeps me from really knowing anything i can't help but want to be 'like' everyone else. you are never more alone then when you are something different from everything else and to truly see things for what they are makes you really really different.

everything is controlled. everything is calculated. we are not our own selves. this thought of "freedom" is implanted in us at birth so we can't see the cages the powers that be build around us. we are discouraged from thinking outside what is "normal" by fashion and consumerism and even such seemingly beneficial things as loyalty and trust and interaction and education. its all bullshit. there is no God or past or present or future or happiness or family or American dream. there is only control.

and when you see through it and no one else does, it's enough to drive you fucking mad.

fucking mad I tell you.

I scratch at the walls trying to find the real root of things and all I find is more plaster and I have to wash my hands.

The only thing I know is that none of this is real. none of this is my own doing. I am not my own person. I am a device. We are all tools.

Good luck on your finals. Good luck on your life. It won't mean anything in the end.

wow
sorry bout the big gap in postings...i imagine no one got seriously injured as a result of aforementioned lag. so busy and stressed...getting ready to graduate, move out, and go to Israel plus having jeff around all the time to distract me has been quite the adventure.

I'm super excited about the future. Lots of neat stuff going on. I just have to get through the next couple of weeks.

If anyone out there is reading this and I havent returned your calls or payed enough attention to you I'm truly sorry but too fucking bad I'm stressed and pulled in too many directions and busy as hell. This summer...you won't see me doing anything... ahh can't wait.

more tired
so tired. i dont know why. i don't really do that much. or at least, i dont think i do that much. maybe compared to gregory i do a lot. but hes a rodent. so tired. so many things to do. i want to dig a hole and crawl into it and be covered in warm dirt.

break from hmwk...drawing...

tired
oh man. i have like ten minutes left at work. my boss took off for the day and left me here to fend for myself. so naturally I'm not doing anything.

i feel like shit. but i've gotten a lot done in the last 24 hours. If you consider reading three plays and starting a fourth getting a lot "done."

Ive got a lot of shit on my plate right now, and if I wasn't such a naturally cool cat I might just be a little stressed, so much so that I keep getting weird mystery illnesses that have no definable symptoms only that I feel like total crap and am tired all the time and have headaches, but since I'm so chill thats not happening.

so here's all thats coming up:
1. School: got all of Paradise Lost to get through in the next two weeks + 10 page paper for that class, got 5 or 6 more plays to get through, got a presentation on Ginsburg friday + one more paper for that class, and all the stuff i shouldve been doing for drug policy...and make sure that I can come back in the fall next year
2. moving out: so yeah, i got my 24 hour notice that they are gonna come inspect the place for damage tommorow...do I know what Im going to do with Gregory? no idea. I'm thinking of wrapping him in tinfoil and putting him in the freezer overnight. Plus I have to be out of the place and into the sublet by July 1st, but I'm leaving for Israel on the 22nd.
3. Israel: Umm...what the fuck I'm leaving the country in like two minutes and I havent even started thinking about it...
4: Graduation: I'm supposed to cram like 90 people in my little apartment plus be nice? when will it end...

Summer my friends, i will not be doing anything except reading, writing and watching what i want to read, write and watch!
thankyou Im done now

Beautiful Day
wow...such pretties where to start...
well, ill work backwards...
ice-cream cake
smoking bowls
Dr.Katz
Tattoo Parlors
Sunset on Venice Beach
Drum Circle & Dancing
Yummy Dinner (mmm veggie queusadilla)
Live music playing the rockenest old school songs (we heard Come on People Now Smile on Your Brothers and Knocking on Heaven's Door)
Palm Readings
Driving Stoned through LA
(unmentionables)
The People V. Larry Flynt
(other unmentionables)
HomeMade Pancakes
Smoking Bowls
Waking Up slowly on a Sunday morning

dry eyes
so today has been a lil manic depressive or as many of you might say full of "mood swings" and what not. I was so happy earlier. I walked to hollywood and rented a few episodes of Ranma 1/2 and Neon Genesis Evangelion. I had a shot of wheatgrass (i dont know why but i really like burping up the taste of grass clippings) and i just walked home and it was so sunny and bright and happy.

and then i got home. to my dark dark lonely hole. and sat there. and it sucked. and i cried.

and im so behind in school its not even funny. well it is kinda funny, if your not me or youre me during my (not as rare as they should be) moments of not giving a shit and finding the whole 'responsibility' thing a silly silly waste of time.

part of me thinks that in order to ever be anyone interesting i need to be a super big fuckup now. which, is very easily a large cop-out, but...think of all the badass writers and artists that flunked out of college, and look at me, hell Im almost graduating! man...that's weird.

im so stoked about Israel. the other night i met some of the kids im going with. there was this one girl, tall willowy redhead with a face like Nicole Kidman only younger. and shes a jazz singer. yummy.

there are other reasons Im super excited about Israel. Judaism rocks. I can't beleive how much the things I already think and feel and know jive with that religion and culture. Everybody is loud and laughs and jokes a lot and eats a lot. and their smart. they question everything. and nobody talks about God or guilt or shame or control. not that im gonna go all orthodox mind you, but I'm excited to learn more...the deal breaker is gonna come when I ask Rabbi K. what he thinks about smokin weed...

so yeah, now Im happy again. had some really good laughs with Jeff after we stopped being dumb bitches to each other. Now Im gonna read some Sailor Moon and maybe even draw a sexy picture of her.

Everybody loves quizzes
yes Im five weeks behind in my reading.

yes i choose to instead take super fun online quizzes! (thanks jeff i needed more things to keep me from studying)

Morpheus

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Woohooo!

wednesday morning
i didnt sleep at all last night cause i was all excited to be drawing something that met my approval. seriously. im turning into a really good artist. and Im my biggest critic normally, so to be content with something is PHENOMENAL! and then this morning sucked so much cause me + no sleep equals even less inclined to be ok with getting up and going to work. but then i was walking outside all dried out and husk-like from sleep deprivation and a cool wind blew in from behind me and i felt like i was lifted out of myself and all I saw was the wonderful golden path of the future...

best thing ever
ok, so Im at work right now (boss is out to lunch and I'm left to my own devices) and this person just walked down the hall and ripped the loudest fart ever right outside the office door. it was amazing. man, if i was a fly on the wall i would hang around waiting for proffessional or scholarly looking people to rip one. that would be the life.

boo (in the sad way not the I'm trying to scare you in a cliche way)
so much drama in little tiny packages.

I don't really understand a lot of the motivation of ad campaigns these days. isnt the point of an ad to make you think, hey, this product will make me better or more sexually desirable if i buy it. but it seems like a lot of commercials are really all about misdirection, like, if you buy a butterfinger you'll never have to listen to elevator music again. thats just stupid. and some guy sat there and pitched it and a bunch of guys in suits who eat imported svedish chocolate all nodded their heads and pointed at a bar graph. Nobody said, hey, you know what would be a good idea, lets have some hot chick walk by a nerdy guy and totally do him because he's eating a butterfinger. thats a good as campaign. man i have so much talent its ridiculous. i can do anything. look at me go, right here, right now everythings at the tip of my fingers, alls i gotta do is eat a butterfinger. hehe...butterfinger has the word butt and finger in it. dirty.

pretty day
the trees are in full bloom in the sculpture garden. sitting under them today eating a rice krispie treat i thought i was going to die from the hyper-real-ness of it all. for a minute i let myself think i was eating the purple blossoms on the jacaranda trees and that they tasted like marshmallows and crunched like rice krispies.

i realized today why i dont like the contemporary plays im reading in class- they are all about REAL people and real stuff that happens to real people. If i wanted to deal with that I'd participate in my own life! what happened to fantastical plays with fairies and wizards and Gods and silly morals. more than anything this entry is about the realization that I simply cannot enjoy something that is written either for purely dramatic or comedic purposes. if it doesnt have at least a lil bit of out there-ness it just, well, kinda bores me and not because i need to be entertained with flashy sparkly things (although I'm not opposed to it) i think a story, a moral, an idea, a concept can be told and/ or illustrated with so much more of the artists essence and way of seeing things if the story is elevated out of the purely realisitc. everything that is seen or experienced is filtered and distorted as it passes through the mind of the beholder, the wonderfullness of creation is in the variations of perception and the random manifestations of imagination as it tries to peice together everyday input.

what im trying to say is that i have sparkles in my brain and when i eat krispie treats under the jacarandas it shakes my head up and all the sparkles come falling down around my thoughts like snow in a snowglobe.

The door is open
right now, i have five pages written of a seven page paper. I can't concentrate, jeff is still here and I'm so happy. just doing nothing, i can be like this for ever. in happy happy doing nothingness.

we made sandwiches and pudding and watched Dr. Katz and now this AMAZING simpsons is on all about censorship and anti-americanism and the Simpsons get sent to the Reagan Center for Re-education. i can't wait to hear back about the fellowship cause I'll be working with a guy who works for the Simpsons. holy crap...things are gonna start happening. Just gotta get through the rest of this 'college' bullshit.

strippers
yeah so last night we were supposed to go to a strip club, i even got all dressed up (heels and black fur trimmed sweater) and tapped my emergency tattoo fund for ones. and then...boohoo...no strippers for us because some girls aren't quite as 'gay' as I'd like them to be. Man if I had a quarter for everytime I've said that...(j/k i love you Val but it doesnt change the fact that i really wanted to throw ones at the feet of naked women as they dance for my pleasure). But...on a happy happpy note I did finally get to see Myles tap dance which was super rockin awesome amazing i can't even beleive I know people who are so good at stuff, it makes me feel all warm and special...like maybe maybe someday I can mooch off these people when they're famous. which is all a girl can really ever hope for right? that and having lots and lots of babies. and cooking. cooking babies.

Bought a knew hentai last night at Hustler...its the continuation of the first one we bought and its totally about ninjas fucking. they have super special ninja moves in bed too and they even have a Sailor Moon homage during one of the most fantastic animated sex scenes I've ever ever seen, this ninja dude starts doing this other ninja chick while she does yet another ninja chick with her energy penis. And there's some plot parts too.

well enough about that dirty stuff. Lets talk about good clean smoking! And better than talking about it, I'm gonna do it! Bye ya'all!

saturday
so. umm. happy.

thats about it right now.

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